


We come in pieces

by Drago



Category: Fatima (Band), Moran (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hitomi is a bitch, Japanese, Jrock - Freeform, M/M, Soan is sad, Thoughts of Self-harm, Visual Kei, but he tries, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2014-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-24 02:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2565185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drago/pseuds/Drago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fact that Soan leaves Moran broke me. And in this fic it broke him too, but I like happy endings. Here, Hitomi tries to make things better.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>they think he should mourn Moran, and he does. He feels as if he lost a limb. But losing Kanoma feels like losing a heart.</i></p><p> </p><p>For some reason I still like to use their old names, Towa and Kanoma.<br/>TA Placebo for the title.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We come in pieces

He is feeling lost which is completely out of character for him. Normally, he would call Hitomi, but they don't talk anymore.  
Skin on his wrist is thin, almost transparent. Tempting.  
  
Tadashi called, offering help. Tadashi is, despite what some may say, a really good guy. He doesn't betray his friends. Soan doesn't know exactly what is wrong with Riku, but it has to be pretty serious, since he no longer sings in Lin, and Riku would never willingly leave Kisaki's side, he follows bassist like a lovesick puppy. Kisaki keeps quiet about the whole thing, but Soan knows for sure that he hasn't abandoned Kenji's side.  
Of course, he refused help. He is not ready to face the world yet. There are things he needs to do. He needs to patch up his life before he does anything else. Besides, he is not sure whether he still wants to be a drummer. He is good for nothing, after all.  
  
He hasn't talked to Hitomi for sixty two days. Before, the longest time was a week, when he was too out of it because of infection to answer vocalist's calls.  
Now Hitomi refused his calls, so he stopped trying.  
  
His wrists are deathly pale and much thinner than they've ever been. Moran released a single, their hiatus was very short. New songs are pretty decent. Fans seem to be happy. Their new drummer is quiet and shy. These days Soan is pretty quiet too, for all different reasons.  
He used to be so cheerful, he remembers that.  
  
He agrees to visit Jun after his show. Mostly because Jun knows that he hasn't left his flat for longer periods of time, and he worries. He doesn't come to the actual show, he isn't ready for that either. He goes backstage, and that's where he realizes his mistake.  
Sizna, Vivi, Ivy and the new guy are there. Hitomi too. He looks beautiful.  
It was a joint show – Gotcharocka, Moran and some other band he doesn't know or care about. He does his best to avoid looking at his ex. band members, tries to make himself even smaller. Invisible. He thinks he succeeds, but only because they're ignoring him. Jun looks angry. It's a rare sight. Jun is such a kind, easy-going guy, and it's not easy to anger him.  
„Don't say anything, Jun-kun,” Soan pleads quietly, touching guitarist's elbow.  
„Alright. Alright, but only because I don't want you to listen to it.”  
His ex. members, ex. friends, wouldn't spare him, but Jun is better than that.  
  
He burns his left wrist while preparing dinner. The skin is red and irritated. It hurts, but he had worse.  
His new job is boring and ordinary, but it pays rather well. He doesn't exactly fit in yet, but he will. He'll get used to it.  
He still doesn't feel like going back to music. His drawer is full of newly written songs, but they're not good enough.  
  
It's been eighty six days since he's last talked to Hitomi when he meets him again. Vocalist is standing in front of his door, dressed in black jeans and a sweater.  
He looks handsome.  
Soan is aware he can't even try to compare. He is tired, and he looks it. He wonders if his sadness shows too. For the first time ever he is shy around Kanoma. He doesn't want to talk to him. He even goes as far as to try to open the door without acknowledging Hitomi's presence. He fails, vocalist catches his arm and doesn't let him enter the flat.  
„I think we need to talk. There are things I want to say.”  
„And I think you, all of you, have said enough. I can't hear any more of that.”  
Hitomi's eyes flash with something akin to shame, but it may be Soan's imagination.  
„Let me in, please, I won't hurt you,” it shows how much they drifted apart if Kanoma has to assure him of that. They used to trust each other.  
„Come in then.” Because what choice does he have, really?  
The vocalist looks as uneasy as Towa feels. They're silent for a while, Soan prepares tea and doesn't offer any to his guest. There were times when Kanoma would make it himself without asking. Now he doesn't deserve it.  
„Shuichi is...”  
„Who is Shuichi?”  
„Oh. Our new drummer.”  
He already knew they had one, obviously, even if he didn't know his name, so why does it hurt so much to hear it from his... his nothing's lips?  
„Shuichi is much different than you.”  
„I'm glad,” Hitomi looks surprised, shocked even. „After all you didn't want me.”  
„That's not true.”  
„You did everything to get rid of me,” Soan talks over vocalist’s attempt in a monotonous voice.  
„We had a misunderstanding, that's all. We never tried to make you feel unwelcome.”  
Towa could remind him of how Vivi, Sizna and Ivy started to second-guess all of his decisions, or how they stopped including him in their parties, or how they ridiculed his compositions. Or how Kanoma himself simply stopped talking to him, not even bothering to pretend anymore.  
He doesn't because he knows it's not that Hitomi doesn't remember, he simply chooses not to.  
„So. What do you want?”  
„Shuichi is different, and he is not you.”  
„And..?”  
„That's what I wanted to say.”  
Towa doesn't know what he is supposed to do with this information, what is it supposed to mean. It means nothing to him.  
„Okay. Is that all?”  
Hitomi's face falls. He is subconsciously doing this again, making Towa feel guilty even though he hasn't done anything wrong. He would do anything to not care for a vocalist or his opinion.  
„No, you don't understand,” Kanoma tries again. „He is not, I'm not...”  
For someone who is responsible for writing lyrics he can be really bad with words. Soan doesn't learn much after that. Hitomi leaves, and both of them feel frustrated.  
They used to understand each other without words.  
  
Towa considers merits of having a pet, but decides against it. He doesn't know what's going to happen to him, and he doesn't want to let down someone again, even if it's only an animal. He remembers Becky all too well, the dilemma what to do with her after Zill's death. Better not do that to the innocent life.  
  
He misses Zill. When he was busy with Moran he didn't really have time, but now, when he is not responsible for anything important, he misses him terribly. He looks over pictures and fans' drawings, he kept the ones meant for Zill too, Hitomi didn't want them. It's a sort of torture, but he wants to remember Saburou. No one should be forgotten.  
He wonders if anyone will remember him.  
  
He calls Lay simply because there is no one else. No, that's not true. There are other people, many other people who are important, but they're not _right_ at the moment. He needs someone he's known for ages, who knew him when he was still a fresh-faced kid. It leaves Shige, Mizuha, Lay and Hitomi. He doesn't even remember the last time he has spoken to Shige or Mizuha, and Hitomi is not an option anymore which leaves Lay. For some reason he gets along pretty well with older man. There were never best friends, not in a way he and Kanoma were, but they liked to hang out from time to time. It's a very uncomplicated friendship, even Fatima's disbandment couldn't change that. Soan hopes he will never have to mourn this relationship.  
Lay understands many things that others cannot, so two weeks after Hitomi's visit they end up going to bars almost every other day. They visit old places reminiscing about the past. There isn't much future to talk about. Even sex doesn't complicate things. They can have completely casual sex and still be friends next morning. Being able to trust the person you have in bed helps Towa a lot, so he never objects when Lay bites his neck and coaxes his legs open. It feels good to feel wanted, he hasn't felt necessary in months.  
  
Hitomi always complicated things with Lay, made them awkward. He does it this time too, deciding to visit again on a Saturday morning. Lay and Soan are having a nice breakfast, lounging in, respectively, boxer shorts and large t-shirt, when doorbell rings. It used to be normal, but in drummer's current situation it's weird, so curiosity makes him open. Yet another mistake, because Hitomi barges in without waiting, probably afraid that Soan won't let him in. Vocalist goes straight for the kitchen, the most neutral territory in the whole flat, and let's out a rather undignified sound when he sees Lay.  
They're following each other on Twitter because it's a civil thing to do, but there is no love lost between them.  
„You..!”  
„Yes. But the only unexpected, or unwanted, guest here is you,” Lay is always so calm and cool, drummer envies him that.  
„What are you two doing? Talking about me behind my back?”  
„Why would we bother, you're our past, aren't you?”  
Kanoma turns around angrily and comes face to face with Towa. His eyes travel from his naked legs up to chest. His mind finally seems to connect the dots completely.  
„He always crawled back to you,” vocalist spits out viciously, addressing Lay, but not taking his eyes off Soan's body.  
The insinuation is obvious and it’s meant to offend, Lay gets ready to attack, but vocalist storms out of the flat so fast that neither of them has time to say anything. Soan is a bit curious why Kanoma came to visit, but he is so tired of being mistreated that he intends to ignore it. He is not going to try anymore. He's been trying for years, and it only caused him pain. Why fight if there's always someone who will trample over you and your dreams.  
  
Hitomi wanted to make up, Towa supposes, but the Lay-thing threw him off. It couldn’t be very honest if he stopped after one try. It’s depressing that their friendship was worth only one, meager attempt.  
Lay went... somewhere. On a trip with friends? Or maybe it was work-related? Never mind, he just isn’t there. Soan hates being dependent, but he can’t stop himself from missing bassist. He is starting to feel insecure again. Worthless. He wishes he was stronger than that. God, he used to be so fucking strong. Immovable object to Hitomi’s unstoppable force. Right.  
Right.  
  
He knows that his friends think he is exaggerating, people come and go after all. They don’t get it. Well, Jun gets it, he lost Iori and a mere possibility of Kisaki going away sends him into panic.  
But most of them doesn’t, they think he should mourn Moran, and he does. He feels as if he lost a limb. But losing Kanoma feels like losing a heart. They’ve always been together, they were the Dynamic Duo of the Visual Kei scene, the two of them against whatever the world decided to throw at them. He has every right to be depressed.  
He has no strength to be angry.  
  
Almost half a year after he left (was driven away), Sizna calls to invite him to their event. It’s a bizarre discussion. Why would he want to go? Sizna mumbles something about the band, music, Hitomi, but Towa doesn’t quite understand him. He declines as politely as he can manage, although Sizna could shoot him, and it would hurt less.  
Sizna seems almost desperate, so Towa finally hangs up on him.  
  
His wrist is fully healed, now he has an identical pair of pale wrists. Blue veins show through the delicate skin. They seem unimportant.  
  
Lay almost moves in before they realize what they’re doing. Soan is seeking comfort in him, Lay enjoys lots and lots of sex, but that’s not something you should build a romantic relationship on. They laugh about it, no feelings hurt, and then celebrate the return of sanity with even more enthusiastic sex. Lay’s things disappear from Towa’s flat, at least most of them do, but he still is a constant presence in drummer’s life.  
  
Week after Sizna’s call, Hitomi visits again. Stunning, as always, but the usual spark seems to be gone. Towa worries a bit, it’s in his nature, but says nothing. They stand in front of his flat.  
“I was angry,” Kanoma finally says. “We used to be so good together. We agreed on everything. Then something happened, and fighting was all we did.”  
That’s true. At one point they couldn’t even stand looking at each other, and tension was so thick even fans could see it in videos.  
“And everyone always likes you. Chooses you,” vocalist continues bitterly. “I didn’t want guys to choose you this time.”  
It's the highest act of selfishness that Kanoma has ever performed. Soan would never do that, he would never consciously try to steal someone’s friends out of some petty jealousy.  
“Okay,” he whispers and shrugs.  
“No, it’s not.”  
“You’re right. It isn’t. Why do you always want to have everything? You have to be the most beautiful one, the most famous one, and now the most popular between our friends. Not that they really were my friends,” Towa allows anger to seep into his words.  
“I don’t know.”  
“You’re so egotistical,” drummer growls.  
Hitomi actually laughs in agreement, suddenly looking more like himself.  
“I missed you.”  
Towa missed him to, but he keeps quiet until Kanoma leaves.  
  
Makoto, one of people he knows but wouldn’t call a friend, offers him a position in his band. Their vocalist is good, instrumentalists are too. He considers.  
  
Two hundred and fourteen days after break up Kanoma comes to him after a concert. He is completely smashed and still has some make-up on. Towa remembers him as a happy drunk, especially after shows, but this time he looks sad. He talks rapidly, but his speech is so slurred by the alcohol that Soan cannot understand him. They end up sleeping in one bed, but only because the vocalist won’t stop clinging to him.  
Towa wakes up on the edge of bed, curled up like a child. Hitomi occupies the rest of bed, sprawled on it like a starfish. Nothing new here.  
The first thing that comes out of vocalist's lips is a question, but not the one that Soan expected.  
“Are you still dating Lay?”  
“I was never dating him.”  
“But you slept with him.”  
“Yes. But it doesn't equal dating.”  
Hitomi makes a disagreeing sound.  
“You slept with twenty, or more, of our fans, are you dating all of them?”  
“Well, no.”  
“See.”  
“So are you still sleeping with him?”  
“Yes.”  
Soan sees no reason why he should lie.  
“I have no idea what you see in him.”  
“He is funny, I like to be around him, and he likes me.”  
“High standards,” Hitomi has the audacity to smirk. It takes Towa seconds to go from calm to livid.  
“At least he is a good friend, but what do you know about that, huh?!”  
  
It's unnerving that Hitomi keeps coming to him. Soan tried to not let him in, but vocalist made a huge scene which attracted even usually reserved neighbours, and neither of them needed paparazzi on their case. He doesn't say much, mostly just sits on Towa's couch. Or sleeps, when he is drunk, which is often. Drummer doesn't know if it's meant to soften him, but it does. He doesn't want it to work, he tries to fight it, but he fails when Kanoma stares at him softly the way he used to do when things were alright between them.  
When Hitomi comes to him after yet another concert, and then basically falls unconscious on his bed Towa gently removes traces of make-up from his face.  
  
Soan doesn't tell anyone, but he attends few rehearsals with Makoto's band. They sound pretty decent together, there are no problems with communication. He is able to joke with them, something he missed during his last days with Moran. It makes him happy, but it also makes him ache for things he's lost.  
Every time he gets invited for drinks, and it's adorable when one time bassist blurts out that he absolutely loved Fatima and his drumming style. It's extremely flattering, and the anger displayed by the young man about the fact that Towa got kicked out of Moran makes him feel better.  
It's important to hear that you're not a waste of space. No matter how strong-minded you are, you'll start believing it when you're told over and over again that you're cheaper than dirt.  
He can't decide whether the fact that he feels guilty for not telling Hitomi that he is rehearsing with someone is funny or pathetic. The man betrayed his trust and broke him, and yet.  
  
Lay finds a girl he likes, so they have sex one last time before he asks her out, and then bassist is off-limits. Soan meets her two weeks after they start dating. She is nice and witty. The longer he stares at her, the more convinced he is that they look similar. Apparently Lay has a type, and Soan teases him about it mercilessly.  
  
Hitomi discovers that he's been playing with someone and they have a fight. It's none of his business anymore, and Towa isn't afraid to tell him so. They come to blows. Another first. Soan really thought they were getting better. It was the vocalist who started it, shoved him into the cupboard. He refuses to be sad when Kanoma doesn't visit during next two weeks. And then refuses to be happy when he finally does.  
“I'll report you if you ever hit me again. And then I'll never talk to you,” he says and vocalist squirms, looking apologetic.  
  
They have a dinner together. Hitomi brings a whole variety of dishes, nothing fancy, but the vocalist prepared all of it. They get drunk on white wine. Soan is almost asleep when he hears a soft whisper which sounds like _I'm sorry_. He doesn't answer, but he doesn't move away when Kanoma's hand lays on his arm either.  
  
They go to the bar, but they invite Jun to be a buffer, just in case. Their relationship is shaky, they still relapse into days of cold hostility, especially when Moran comes up in a discussion. Soan thought that Jun was a better choice than Lay, but it turns out that Jun is almost as biased as Fatima's ex. bassist. He is friendly enough, but there is no doubt about whose side he is on.  
They drink too much beer to ease awkwardness. Jun gets cute and flirty while drunk, and he aims his charm at Towa who doesn't mind innocent flirting. Hitomi throws them dark looks, but visibly relaxes when Jun takes a separate cab.  
Kanoma jumps him the second they reach Towa's flat. He is all teeth, tongue and brutal strength. Soan always thought that, as a drummer, he was bound to be stronger than the lean vocalist, but he stands no chance against Hitomi. He doesn't mind, he enjoys being taken apart, opened, stretched and fucked violently. He likes to belong, and come leaking out of him brands him like nothing else.  
  
He thinks more clearly next day when he wakes up bruised and sore, with vocalist half on his back. He wonders if it's a ploy to make him accept apology, is Kanoma going to wake up and ask for forgiveness again, expecting a different answer this time?  
Kanoma wakes up smiling brightly, completely unperturbed (and unaware) by Towa's dark thoughts. He fucks smaller man again, this time face to face, pushing as far as he can. He wants it all.  
  
It's a new thing for them. They weren't physical before. They slept in same beds, hugged, sometimes even partook in some pseudo-wrestling, but they never had sex. Soan never thought about it, content with the friendship they shared, but newfound intimacy is nice. It doesn't fix everything, but makes patching up a bit easier. Especially since Towa already started to heal, even before Hitomi reappeared for good in his life.  
  
“Come back to me. I can't work with the new guy, he isn't right. I'll kick out anyone who protests,” Hitomi says suddenly, not taking his eyes off the eggs he is frying.  
“You were the one who made them this way,” Soan reminds him softly.  
“I was a fool. There is no Moran without you and me. Ivy, Sizna and Vivi are replaceable.”  
Towa can't promise anything yet, but he is almost convinced.  
  
It takes him some time to notice that his wrists look much better now, they aren't so fragile anymore. He hasn't been looking.  



End file.
